Something happened yesterday. 

I was at work preparing for a presentation on video editing. I remember just being tired and truthfully a bit bored. I glanced up for a moment and caught my reflection in the dark of a sleeping iMac screen. I stared at it for awhile. “That couldn’t be me” I thought. In disbelief, I rubbed the crust and left over dreams away from my eyes and took a sip of ice cold water from a paper cup. I looked up once more only to discover that same face looking back at me. That’s when I realized that I wasn’t dreaming. I didn’t have anything blurring my vision. That was just me. I drew a smile and whispered to myself with excitement “Where did all the fat go?” 

Admittedly, I have been off my grind this past month. I’ve been skipping workouts, skipping meals, I even tried meat a few times (ugh meat, over it). Altogether my behavior this past month isn’t exactly hero worthy. Although You wouldn’t know that by the way my co-workers have been complimenting my weight loss. I usually brush it off because I don’t accept compliments well, but there in the blackness of that desktop screen I saw a face I’ve never seen.

I have a neck!

And I have cheek bones!

And ONE CHIN!

When did this happen?

It was the first time I realized a noticeable difference in myself without the aid of a before and after picture. I felt so narcissistic admiring my reflection that eventually I went back to work. 

That’s kinda something I’m struggling with. How can I enjoy the way I look without becoming vain? 

For the first time in my life I feel attractive. I should celebrate that, but I don’t want that to be what validates me either. I suppose I’ll just have to work on it and remember what was special about me when I was 340 pounds and no one else cared. I owe it to that person to remain humble during this transitional period.

It’s nice to like what I see in the mirror, but that’s not what makes me awesome. Knowing that it doesn’t make me awesome is what makes me awesome. So if I can keep that attitude up I feel like I’ll be ok. 

(1 Peter 5:6)

#stayhumble

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I haven’t been working out as much. It’s not that I’m discouraged or anything. Life just got busy all of a sudden. It seems I can’t find an extra 15 minutes to spend blogging or 30 minutes to spend running. I know I need to make the time. I plan to, I just have to finish all these miscellaneous responsibilities first. 

There’s been a lot of internal conflict lately. I feel like I’m regressing back to my old habits of allowing other people to treat me like crap. What happened to me? I was so confident a week ago. I so assured that I was this new strong person. Now I don’t even know what that feels like. When did I lose that?

I’m gonna find my way back. I know I can. This dream is the only thing in my life that I have control over. Maybe that’s why I’ve felt so helpless lately. Maybe that’s why I can’t make sense of anything. I’m not doing what I’m suppose to be doing. I’m not fulfilling my purpose. 

Life will always be hectic I guess, but if I’m being honest with myself, Its probably hectic because I’m not making time for myself. 

I need to start acting in a way that will make me proud. 

I was battling a pretty hardcore depression last fall. I think what made that depression so horrible was that I really didn’t know how to go about fighting it. 

For me it felt like when you’re playing a video game and you’re not sure what any of the buttons on the controller do. So you just start pushing whatever in hopes that randomly you’ll come across something that works.

I usually don’t last very long in situations like that. If a game is too complicated, if I can’t figure out how to beat it, I’ll get discouraged and abandon it all together. Which is probably why I don’t play videos games much. But this wasn’t a game, this was me waking up in the mourning and questioning if I should even get out of bed at all. Life was beating me and I had no idea how to fight back. 

It’s a lot of trial and error. You try dozens of different full proof tactics to help you climb out of your hole only to discover less than half actually work for you.

Clearly I’m not depressed anymore. Through out my journey I discovered tools and weapons that helped me fight off my sadness. Although lately I can feel it creeping back up again. Little hints like not being able to stay asleep, loss of appetite, drastic mood swings, are signals that something is definitely wrong. 

So I thought I would share my tactics with all of you, in hopes that something might work for you if you’re struggling with depression.

And also to remind myself of the tools I need to fix myself when things start to break. 

THINGS THAT DIDN’T HELP ME WITH MY DEPRESSION.

*Anger - You don’t gain anything from holding grudges, dwelling on mistakes or blaming others for your problems. The point isn’t to hold on to the things that upset you. The Point is to let it go. 

*Isolation - Feeling like no one cares and trapping yourself in your room will only make you feel worse. Go outside! surround yourself with beauty. let the world inspire you. 

*Stagnation - If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting the results you’ve always gotten. Change it up. Be brave enough to break the habits that break you. 

*Junk Food - Eating healthy plays a huge part in fighting depression. When you don’t care about what you eat, it shows you don’t care about yourself. Developing self worth comes from finding value not value meals. Healthy food will make your body perform better and increase your self-esteem 

*Alcohol - I shouldn’t have to explain this one right? 

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THINGS THAT DID HELP ME WITH MY DEPRESSION.

*Writing - Writing helped me get out all of the thoughts that were keeping me awake at night. Really finding any creative outlet is probably the best advice I could give you. Being able to make art out of your sadness gives your depression purpose, thus giving your life purpose.

I guess an easy way to explain it is with this Whitman quote 

“I loved a certain person ardently, and my love was not return’d; Yet out of that, I have written these songs.” 

Having something good come out of something bad makes the struggle worth it and helps you move on.

*Music - Music is the quickest way to change my mood. It can be cathartic to throw on Dashboard Confessional, cry in your car, and sing of all the emotions you could never find the words to express. But enjoying your sadness too much will only worsen your mood. Play something happy! Play something fun! I know when i’m at my worst that a good Disney or Motown song can kick me right out of my funk and make me forget all of the reasons why I was so upset. Music is powerful! Use it to your advantage. 

*Friends - I’m not talking about some random placeholder that likes your Facebook photos and recaps SNL episodes with you. I’m mean a REAL friend that you can bare your soul to. A friend that you keep no secrets from. Someone who will be there for you day and night because they genuinely care about you. God puts people like that in your life for a reason. If you’re lucky enough to have a real friend, let them help you with your recovery. We aren’t meant to fight these battles alone. 

*Diet & Exercise - ”You’re always one workout away from being in a good mood.” That’s such a true statement. Making yourself stronger, reaching weight loss goals, liking the way you look, all of that reminds you that you’re not worthless, that you’re not hopeless. You have the strength to overcome any obstacle. What i’ve found is that the strides you make to improve your physicality will directly reflect your self worth.

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These are my tools.

This is what I use to fix me when I’m broken.

Hopefully some of this will be beneficial to you guys as well. 

#bebrave

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