Ok so, I’ve been kind of a ghost on here the past few days. I don’t really know how to explain my absence. I suppose I should just start by acknowledging that I’ve been experiencing growing pains that would even make Kurt Cameron scream obscenities.

See, I’m a firm believer that this journey to overall health is just as internal as it is external. You have to fix yourself from the inside out. Which is why I don’t mind taking my focus off of calories for a week to focus on internal growth. I’d much rather deal with my issues than bury them. 

My dilemma began around the same time I publicly stated that I was no longer broken. I think the world heard me and thought of that grand declaration as some sort of challenge. I wrote this eloquent and profound blog about Learning to Love Myself. It was about how I didn’t need a love interest to make my story powerful. So what did life do to me? Well, it did what any showrunner would do who’s trying to increase the ratings, it presented me with a love interest. And I, with all my new found understanding and confidence thought I had the wherewithal to respond to this call to adventure. 

It was a trap! A sink hole! A grand illusion to remind me that I’m not nearly as strong as I think myself to be. Perhaps it was a well deserved ass kicking. I felt myself becoming prideful in ways which I despised. There’s nothing like getting the carpet pulled out from under you to remind you that you’re not invincible. 

The aftertaste of this particular disappointment has been ruining my health routine. My appetite is nonexistent, my workouts are laughable, and more than anything, I think I’ve been enjoying this sadness a bit too much. Part of me, the writer in me, enjoys any type of conflict because the highs and lows of love and disappointment are what give you the words to make stories come to life. However, the hero in me isn’t quite strong enough to complete his mission without being distracted by Sirens. 

I’ll find my way back to myself, I’m not worried about that. If anything, I’m just struggling between my two sides. I know that I’m meant to fulfill my personal legend. Yet, the color of infatuation is my kryptonite and I wanted so badly just to indulge in a rom-com instead of my usual coming of age epic. 

I’m not sure how long it’ll take for me to get out of this funk. It doesn’t really matter. I know that everything happens for a reason. I have faith that the author wrote a good end to my story. I have faith that I’ll make it to the third act eventually. It all comes down to patience. 

What I’m willing to wait for v.s. what’s actually worth waiting for. 

#bebrave

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I’ve had a lot of stuff going on lately and it’s becoming difficult for me to keep all of my blogging specific to weight loss or confidence or any other #bebrave topics.

So I created a side blog, The Elation, to get out of some of the things that aren’t really relevant to my weight loss journey. It’ll probably be lot of fiction and random ramblings, but you should check it out if you’re bored or want something new to read. 

Let me know if you read anything you like!

I almost got married once. I wasn’t like, engaged or anything, but I did have a ring.

I still have the ring. 

I started dating my ex-girlfriend when I was 17 years old. We dated for years. It had always been assumed by our families and our friends that we would eventually get married. All of my friends were getting married, or at least in the process of getting married. That could have been what turned me off from the idea. It seemed like every few months I was witnessing horny 21 year olds commit their lives to their high school sweethearts, and by doing so fulfilling the only dreams they ever had for themselves.  

I don’t say this to discredit marriage or the relationships of my friends, but for me, the whole idea that marriage is the ultimate goal never really made much sense. Even still, if marriage was the ultimate goal, I sure as hell wouldn’t want to get married why I was still young enough to be carded for R rated movies. 

What would be left for me?

It seemed to me that a lot of the people who rushed into marriage were quickly faced with the realization that they achieved their greatest dream before they even hit quarter life. They quickly fathom the daunting task of finding a whole new something to fill their entire lives with OR completely dedicate themselves to a spouse who is just as flawed as they are. 

Perhaps I was gifted by watching copious amounts of Behind The Music and E True Hollywood Story episodes to know what happens to child stars when they peak too early in life. I wanted my best years to be ahead of me. I wanted to achieve something greater than a marriage certificate. I never wanted to rush the marathon.

I did love my ex-girlfriend, but somewhere deep in the caverns of my heart I knew that something wasn’t right. We could have gotten married and it would have been fine, but i don’t want fine. I want… I want Spectacular! I knew I would never find that because I never learned to love myself. I stayed with my girlfriend for years because it was fun and easy and safe. Because no one ever told me they loved me before and despite all of my calls to adventure, I was terrified that If I ever left her, I would never find love again. 

“Just be brave” I whispered to myself. 

After my Biggest Loser rejection I knew that I had to work on myself. I had to fix myself from the inside out. After five and half years of dating my best friend, I finally told her that perhaps it would be better if we were just best friends. 

See the idea of loving myself hadn’t fully sprouted yet. I just knew that I was beginning a journey of self discovery. I had to do it alone. I was sick of using women as a crutch to balance my own insecurities. I had to find a way to stand on my own two feet. 

I’ve been single for almost a year now. Within that time I’ve blossomed into the man I’ve always wanted to be. I’ve been out on dates, I’ve had crushes and in spite of my new found independence I always kept one eye open for the girl who would eventually become my everything. It wasn’t until this week (and an eye opening conversation with josephineviolet) that I realized my story doesn’t need a love interest. 

I can be a hero on my very own.

Once you forget about the Kate Hudson movies, the Taylor Swift songs and all of the mediocre things in life we’ve sugarcoated to be profound, you’ll recognize a deep truth that for some reason our society has chosen not to emphasize.

Your mission is not to find someone else. Your mission is to find yourself. You may be gifted with romance, but the love you find in friendships, family, God and yourself is enough to sustain you and make you a complete human being. 

I was told all my life that finding the perfect person was the ultimate goal. Little did I know that it was all just a big red herring. 

#bebrave

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Guys, we need to talk. 

I’m having an issue and it seems kind of ridiculous, but i’m actually very worried about it. 

As of the last few weeks, I’VE HAD NO APPETITE. 

I’m worried because I already felt as if I wasn’t eating enough calories and now I KNOW that I’m not eating enough. It’s just hard because i’m not hungry… ever. 

I force down breakfast, lunch and dinner and a snack in between meals. Yet, if i’m being honest, I hardly ever eat more than 1400 calories. Lately, it’s been more like 1200 calories.

How awful is that?

And I’m super active And i’m still over 250 pounds And when I do eat, I’m not really into it. I’m kind of just faking it for the foods benefit. 

Why is this happening?

I might make a doctors appointment if things don’t get better soon. Although part of me does find it hilarious that this is actually a problem for me. 

Ironic… Don’t ya think?

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