Be Brave

Yeah, I was big. (On a side note, I grew that beard out for a...

Thu, 31 May 2012 18:33:18 -0400

Yeah, I was big.

(On a side note, I grew that beard out for a part I had in a movie. Just thought that needed to be clarified. I wasn’t that creepy.)

#bebrave

Memorial Day Food Recap - So, like so many of you, I spent this...

Tue, 29 May 2012 13:18:00 -0400

Memorial Day Food Recap -

So, like so many of you, I spent this weekend surrounded by friends, family and lots of unhealthy food.

Temptations were everywhere.

In situations like this I do my best to stick with fruits and veggies over chips and burgers, but that can be easier said then done. Yesterday was really hard though. I’ve never wanted a burger so badly in my life! After lots of internal dialogue, I resisted the urge, and filled up on corn cobs.

Two things kept me from demolishing those heavenly scented burger patties.

(1) I haven’t eaten red meat in 6 months. Eating even half of a burger would surely detonate some sort of self destruct button and or give me the sensation of birthing a heavy-set gargoyle. Neither of which sounds like a blast in a glass.

(2) I was addicted to food, particularly burgers. I know that just by allowing myself this one indulgence I would awaken a cow eating beast that would crave red meat by the truck load and eat until meat grease seeped out of my pours and left me with the charming, pungent aroma of happy meals and shame.

Corn just seemed the better option.

I feel like I did pretty well this Memorial Day weekend. I did have some pie and I did indulge on some chips and salsa, but overall, I still feel proud.

I hope you guys were able to get through this weekend ok. When it comes to eating healthy, holidays are never an excuse to splurge. They’re merely the test that you train for. Stay strong, and remember your motivation for eating healthy in the first place.

#bebrave

"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. I will build..."

Mon, 28 May 2012 17:51:57 -0400

““I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. I will build you up again, and you will be rebuilt.””

- Jeremiah 31:3-4

MY RE-BIRTHDAY Exactly one year ago today BIGGEST LOSER informed...

Mon, 28 May 2012 09:36:00 -0400

MY RE-BIRTHDAY

Exactly one year ago today BIGGEST LOSER informed me that I would not be a contestant on their 12th season and promptly sent me home from my 8 day stay in the Four Seasons Hotel West Lake Village, California.

I have since lost 80 pounds entirely on my own.

This past year has been traumatic and romantic and depressing and redeeming. I survived through every flame hell threw my way only to realize that nothing in this world is impossible for me. My hope has been destroyed and rebuilt into an unsinkable ship that will guide me for the rest of my life.

I’m so grateful for the prayers that God didn’t answer. So blessed to have gained such insight from such tragedy. So thankful for every high and low of this past year.

It feels like I am brand new.

One of my favorite quotes is “when life gives you lemons make grape juice, and sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it.”

Just copying and pasting that quote makes me smile from ear to ear, because for the first time in my entire life I MADE GRAPE JUICE!

I couldn’t be more proud of myself.

I’m not going to mourn missed opportunity. I will instead decide to celebrate new life.

Today is my Re-Birthday and my celebration begins now.

#justbebrave

I Have One Chin!

Fri, 25 May 2012 09:13:59 -0400

Something happened yesterday.

I was at work preparing for a presentation on video editing. I remember just being tired and truthfully a bit bored. I glanced up for a moment and caught my reflection in the dark of a sleeping iMac screen. I stared at it for awhile. “That couldn’t be me” I thought. In disbelief, I rubbed the crust and left over dreams away from my eyes and took a sip of ice cold water from a paper cup. I looked up once more only to discover that same face looking back at me. That’s when I realized that I wasn’t dreaming. I didn’t have anything blurring my vision. That was just me. I drew a smile and whispered to myself with excitement “Where did all the fat go?”

Admittedly, I have been off my grind this past month. I’ve been skipping workouts, skipping meals, I even tried meat a few times (ugh meat, over it). Altogether my behavior this past month isn’t exactly hero worthy. Although You wouldn’t know that by the way my co-workers have been complimenting my weight loss. I usually brush it off because I don’t accept compliments well, but there in the blackness of that desktop screen I saw a face I’ve never seen.

I have a neck!

And I have cheek bones!

And ONE CHIN!

When did this happen?

It was the first time I realized a noticeable difference in myself without the aid of a before and after picture. I felt so narcissistic admiring my reflection that eventually I went back to work.

That’s kinda something I’m struggling with. How can I enjoy the way I look without becoming vain?

For the first time in my life I feel attractive. I should celebrate that, but I don’t want that to be what validates me either. I suppose I’ll just have to work on it and remember what was special about me when I was 340 pounds and no one else cared. I owe it to that person to remain humble during this transitional period.

It’s nice to like what I see in the mirror, but that’s not what makes me awesome. Knowing that it doesn’t make me awesome is what makes me awesome. So if I can keep that attitude up I feel like I’ll be ok.

(1 Peter 5:6)

#stayhumble

Distractions

Thu, 24 May 2012 17:31:00 -0400

I haven’t been working out as much. It’s not that I’m discouraged or anything. Life just got busy all of a sudden. It seems I can’t find an extra 15 minutes to spend blogging or 30 minutes to spend running. I know I need to make the time. I plan to, I just have to finish all these miscellaneous responsibilities first.

There’s been a lot of internal conflict lately. I feel like I’m regressing back to my old habits of allowing other people to treat me like crap. What happened to me? I was so confident a week ago. I so assured that I was this new strong person. Now I don’t even know what that feels like. When did I lose that?

I’m gonna find my way back. I know I can. This dream is the only thing in my life that I have control over. Maybe that’s why I’ve felt so helpless lately. Maybe that’s why I can’t make sense of anything. I’m not doing what I’m suppose to be doing. I’m not fulfilling my purpose.

Life will always be hectic I guess, but if I’m being honest with myself, Its probably hectic because I’m not making time for myself.

I need to start acting in a way that will make me proud.

I’m better than this.

BASKETBALL DIARIES - Ok so, right off the bat I’ll say...

Sun, 20 May 2012 22:06:00 -0400

BASKETBALL DIARIES -

Ok so, right off the bat I’ll say that I’m not a great basketball player, never have been. But tonight was just about having fun.

I liked that I could run non stop and not be tired. That was a huge accomplishment for me. I may not have sinked a bunch of shots or got all the rebounds, but I ran like I never could be before

and that makes me proud.

#bebrave.

Fighting Depression

Fri, 18 May 2012 10:56:22 -0400

I was battling a pretty hardcore depression last fall. I think what made that depression so horrible was that I really didn’t know how to go about fighting it.

For me it felt like when you’re playing a video game and you’re not sure what any of the buttons on the controller do. So you just start pushing whatever in hopes that randomly you’ll come across something that works.

I usually don’t last very long in situations like that. If a game is too complicated, if I can’t figure out how to beat it, I’ll get discouraged and abandon it all together. Which is probably why I don’t play videos games much. But this wasn’t a game, this was me waking up in the mourning and questioning if I should even get out of bed at all. Life was beating me and I had no idea how to fight back.

It’s a lot of trial and error. You try dozens of different full proof tactics to help you climb out of your hole only to discover less than half actually work for you.

Clearly I’m not depressed anymore. Through out my journey I discovered tools and weapons that helped me fight off my sadness. Although lately I can feel it creeping back up again. Little hints like not being able to stay asleep, loss of appetite, drastic mood swings, are signals that something is definitely wrong.

So I thought I would share my tactics with all of you, in hopes that something might work for you if you’re struggling with depression.

And also to remind myself of the tools I need to fix myself when things start to break.

THINGS THAT DIDN’T HELP ME WITH MY DEPRESSION.

*Anger - You don’t gain anything from holding grudges, dwelling on mistakes or blaming others for your problems. The point isn’t to hold on to the things that upset you. The Point is to let it go.

*Isolation - Feeling like no one cares and trapping yourself in your room will only make you feel worse. Go outside! surround yourself with beauty. let the world inspire you.

*Stagnation - If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting the results you’ve always gotten. Change it up. Be brave enough to break the habits that break you.

*Junk Food - Eating healthy plays a huge part in fighting depression. When you don’t care about what you eat, it shows you don’t care about yourself. Developing self worth comes from finding value not value meals. Healthy food will make your body perform better and increase your self-esteem

*Alcohol - I shouldn’t have to explain this one right?

——

THINGS THAT DID HELP ME WITH MY DEPRESSION.

*Writing - Writing helped me get out all of the thoughts that were keeping me awake at night. Really finding any creative outlet is probably the best advice I could give you. Being able to make art out of your sadness gives your depression purpose, thus giving your life purpose.

I guess an easy way to explain it is with this Whitman quote

“I loved a certain person ardently, and my love was not return’d; Yet out of that, I have written these songs.”

Having something good come out of something bad makes the struggle worth it and helps you move on.

*Music - Music is the quickest way to change my mood. It can be cathartic to throw on Dashboard Confessional, cry in your car, and sing of all the emotions you could never find the words to express. But enjoying your sadness too much will only worsen your mood. Play something happy! Play something fun! I know when i’m at my worst that a good Disney or Motown song can kick me right out of my funk and make me forget all of the reasons why I was so upset. Music is powerful! Use it to your advantage.

*Friends - I’m not talking about some random placeholder that likes your Facebook photos and recaps SNL episodes with you. I’m mean a REAL friend that you can bare your soul to. A friend that you keep no secrets from. Someone who will be there for you day and night because they genuinely care about you. God puts people like that in your life for a reason. If you’re lucky enough to have a real friend, let them help you with your recovery. We aren’t meant to fight these battles alone.

*Diet & Exercise - ”You’re always one workout away from being in a good mood.” That’s such a true statement. Making yourself stronger, reaching weight loss goals, liking the way you look, all of that reminds you that you’re not worthless, that you’re not hopeless. You have the strength to overcome any obstacle. What i’ve found is that the strides you make to improve your physicality will directly reflect your self worth.

—-

These are my tools.

This is what I use to fix me when I’m broken.

Hopefully some of this will be beneficial to you guys as well.

#bebrave

Brown rice, shrimp and veggies are one of my favorite heathy...

Thu, 17 May 2012 19:08:00 -0400

Brown rice, shrimp and veggies are one of my favorite heathy dinners. I know I take pictures of this stuff all the time, but I don’t care. This looks better than your face.

Some afternoon inspiration for you! I threw this together pretty...

Thu, 17 May 2012 13:59:00 -0400

Some afternoon inspiration for you!

I threw this together pretty quickly, so I apologize if the sound isn’t great. Also, I don’t know whats going on with my hair anymore. It decides what race it wants to be on a day to day basis. #mixedkid

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow..."

Thu, 17 May 2012 06:21:57 -0400

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

- Romans 15:13 (via theelation)

And miles to go before I sleep. Love this so much. #bebrave .

Wed, 16 May 2012 21:48:00 -0400

And miles to go before I sleep.

Love this so much.

#bebrave

A Lesson In Patience

Wed, 16 May 2012 07:58:00 -0400

Ok so, I’ve been kind of a ghost on here the past few days. I don’t really know how to explain my absence. I suppose I should just start by acknowledging that I’ve been experiencing growing pains that would even make Kurt Cameron scream obscenities.

See, I’m a firm believer that this journey to overall health is just as internal as it is external. You have to fix yourself from the inside out. Which is why I don’t mind taking my focus off of calories for a week to focus on internal growth. I’d much rather deal with my issues than bury them.

My dilemma began around the same time I publicly stated that I was no longer broken. I think the world heard me and thought of that grand declaration as some sort of challenge. I wrote this eloquent and profound blog about Learning to Love Myself. It was about how I didn’t need a love interest to make my story powerful. So what did life do to me? Well, it did what any showrunner would do who’s trying to increase the ratings, it presented me with a love interest. And I, with all my new found understanding and confidence thought I had the wherewithal to respond to this call to adventure.

It was a trap! A sink hole! A grand illusion to remind me that I’m not nearly as strong as I think myself to be. Perhaps it was a well deserved ass kicking. I felt myself becoming prideful in ways which I despised. There’s nothing like getting the carpet pulled out from under you to remind you that you’re not invincible.

The aftertaste of this particular disappointment has been ruining my health routine. My appetite is nonexistent, my workouts are laughable, and more than anything, I think I’ve been enjoying this sadness a bit too much. Part of me, the writer in me, enjoys any type of conflict because the highs and lows of love and disappointment are what give you the words to make stories come to life. However, the hero in me isn’t quite strong enough to complete his mission without being distracted by Sirens.

I’ll find my way back to myself, I’m not worried about that. If anything, I’m just struggling between my two sides. I know that I’m meant to fulfill my personal legend. Yet, the color of infatuation is my kryptonite and I wanted so badly just to indulge in a rom-com instead of my usual coming of age epic.

I’m not sure how long it’ll take for me to get out of this funk. It doesn’t really matter. I know that everything happens for a reason. I have faith that the author wrote a good end to my story. I have faith that I’ll make it to the third act eventually. It all comes down to patience.

What I’m willing to wait for v.s. what’s actually worth waiting for.

#bebrave

My New Blog

Tue, 15 May 2012 06:44:58 -0400

I’ve had a lot of stuff going on lately and it’s becoming difficult for me to keep all of my blogging specific to weight loss or confidence or any other #bebrave topics.

So I created a side blog, The Elation, to get out of some of the things that aren’t really relevant to my weight loss journey. It’ll probably be lot of fiction and random ramblings, but you should check it out if you’re bored or want something new to read.

Let me know if you read anything you like!

HEAVY AND LIGHT This was the best concert i’ve ever been...

Fri, 11 May 2012 12:54:00 -0400

HEAVY AND LIGHT

This was the best concert i’ve ever been to, if you can even call it a concert.

Learning To Love Myself

Fri, 11 May 2012 12:18:00 -0400

I almost got married once. I wasn’t like, engaged or anything, but I did have a ring.

I still have the ring.

I started dating my ex-girlfriend when I was 17 years old. We dated for years. It had always been assumed by our families and our friends that we would eventually get married. All of my friends were getting married, or at least in the process of getting married. That could have been what turned me off from the idea. It seemed like every few months I was witnessing horny 21 year olds commit their lives to their high school sweethearts, and by doing so fulfilling the only dreams they ever had for themselves.

I don’t say this to discredit marriage or the relationships of my friends, but for me, the whole idea that marriage is the ultimate goal never really made much sense. Even still, if marriage was the ultimate goal, I sure as hell wouldn’t want to get married why I was still young enough to be carded for R rated movies.

What would be left for me?

It seemed to me that a lot of the people who rushed into marriage were quickly faced with the realization that they achieved their greatest dream before they even hit quarter life. They quickly fathom the daunting task of finding a whole new something to fill their entire lives with OR completely dedicate themselves to a spouse who is just as flawed as they are.

Perhaps I was gifted by watching copious amounts of Behind The Music and E True Hollywood Story episodes to know what happens to child stars when they peak too early in life. I wanted my best years to be ahead of me. I wanted to achieve something greater than a marriage certificate. I never wanted to rush the marathon.

I did love my ex-girlfriend, but somewhere deep in the caverns of my heart I knew that something wasn’t right. We could have gotten married and it would have been fine, but i don’t want fine. I want… I want Spectacular! I knew I would never find that because I never learned to love myself. I stayed with my girlfriend for years because it was fun and easy and safe. Because no one ever told me they loved me before and despite all of my calls to adventure, I was terrified that If I ever left her, I would never find love again.

“Just be brave” I whispered to myself.

After my Biggest Loser rejection I knew that I had to work on myself. I had to fix myself from the inside out. After five and half years of dating my best friend, I finally told her that perhaps it would be better if we were just best friends.

See the idea of loving myself hadn’t fully sprouted yet. I just knew that I was beginning a journey of self discovery. I had to do it alone. I was sick of using women as a crutch to balance my own insecurities. I had to find a way to stand on my own two feet.

I’ve been single for almost a year now. Within that time I’ve blossomed into the man I’ve always wanted to be. I’ve been out on dates, I’ve had crushes and in spite of my new found independence I always kept one eye open for the girl who would eventually become my everything. It wasn’t until this week (and an eye opening conversation with josephineviolet) that I realized my story doesn’t need a love interest.

I can be a hero on my very own.

Once you forget about the Kate Hudson movies, the Taylor Swift songs and all of the mediocre things in life we’ve sugarcoated to be profound, you’ll recognize a deep truth that for some reason our society has chosen not to emphasize.

Your mission is not to find someone else. Your mission is to find yourself. You may be gifted with romance, but the love you find in friendships, family, God and yourself is enough to sustain you and make you a complete human being.

I was told all my life that finding the perfect person was the ultimate goal. Little did I know that it was all just a big red herring.

#bebrave

Advice For Those Struggling With Weight Loss I know, I know, I...

Thu, 10 May 2012 22:34:00 -0400

Advice For Those Struggling With Weight Loss

I know, I know, I look so tired in this video. I’m sorry if this sucks.

Hunger Games

Thu, 10 May 2012 21:00:00 -0400

Guys, we need to talk.

I’m having an issue and it seems kind of ridiculous, but i’m actually very worried about it.

As of the last few weeks, I’VE HAD NO APPETITE.

I’m worried because I already felt as if I wasn’t eating enough calories and now I KNOW that I’m not eating enough. It’s just hard because i’m not hungry… ever.

I force down breakfast, lunch and dinner and a snack in between meals. Yet, if i’m being honest, I hardly ever eat more than 1400 calories. Lately, it’s been more like 1200 calories.

How awful is that?

And I’m super active And i’m still over 250 pounds And when I do eat, I’m not really into it. I’m kind of just faking it for the foods benefit.

Why is this happening?

I might make a doctors appointment if things don’t get better soon. Although part of me does find it hilarious that this is actually a problem for me.

Ironic… Don’t ya think?

Just had an intense two hour workout with my oldest friend! Tell...

Thu, 10 May 2012 17:05:00 -0400

Just had an intense two hour workout with my oldest friend!

Tell me I won’t be -80 pounds before the end of this month!

Go ahead!

I dare you!

50 Pound Difference This before and after (during) isn’t...

Wed, 09 May 2012 12:16:00 -0400

50 Pound Difference

This before and after (during) isn’t for you guys. This one’s for me. I needed some motivation.

#bebrave