THE HOME VIDEO

Hours, days, weeks went by and I didn’t hear anything back from Biggest Loser  

So I naturally forgot about it.

At the cattle call (pun intended) we were told that if the show was interested in you, you would get a same day call back.

I waited

& waited

& waited 

and no one called me.

So I just assumed they forgot about me and I moved on.

Then, on one epic spring morning, I got a phone call from someone at casting. 

“Hey, I remember you did that funny rap for your interview. Would you mind making a video and sending it to us?”

I was so surprised that they even remembered me. I later found out that I was one of the few, if not only, finalist who made it to california without getting a same day call back at a casting call. 

I think someone at casting told me this, or maybe it’s just something I feel it to be true but 

THE ONLY REASON I MADE TO CALIFORNIA WAS BECAUSE OF MY HOME VIDEO.

(I’m gonna quickly digress so I can show you this video. I’m super embarrassed of it, but if it got me there, I can’t be too mad at it right? Ok, So here it is… no making fun) 

After they saw my home video, BIGGEST LOSER started talking to me every single week! Every email asking for more and more information. I kept thinking 

“they must like me, why would they need to know so much about me?”

I knew that the deadline would be in the beginning of May. If I didn’t hear anything positive by May 9th, then I knew it was all over. All the high hopes and dreams I had for this show would be gone forever and I would forever doomed to a life of mediocrity.

It was on may 6th that I got the call. 

I remember exactly where I was when I found out. I was in a supermarket buying snacks for a friends party. I truthfully don’t remember anything that was said other than “You’re going to California!” 

Everything else was a blur. I was so excited at that moment. I thought

THIS IS IT!

This is my moment!

My life has just officially changed forever.

So I went to the doctors today.

Actually, let me start that over

Today was the first time I saw a doctor since being a casting finalist for The Biggest Loser. 

Yeah, that’s more dramatic now isn’t it?

The week that I spent in Southern California seems like such a blur now. There so much that i’ll never remember & there’s so much that i’ll never forget. 

I’ll never remember all the names of the wonderful people from casting who took such great care of me that week.

I’ll never remember how I wasted hours upon hours sequestered in my West Lake Village hotel room. 

& I’ll never remember how I found the strength to overcome the loneliness that intoxicated every breath I took that week. 

But I will always remember the medical appointments!

if only because that’s all I did there!

I would wake up, shower and rush downstairs to a rented space in the Four Seasons hotel to begin hours of medical testing. Then I would go back to my room, fast for hours and do it all over again. 

The next day, I would wake up, shower and rush downstairs to the white eight passenger van with the giant BL sign taped to the side door. I would endure the L.A. traffic in complete silence (as the potential candidates we’re not allowed to talk to each other) and arrive promptly in Beverly Hills for even more medical testing with Dr. Huizenga. 

I’ve been tested for everything imaginable! And very rarely, if ever, do I leave a doctors office with good news. 

So, as I was driving to my doctors appointment this morning, I was bombarded with flashbacks so bright that I had to squint! Every needle that was stuck inside of me, every cotton swab that dried my blood, every cup that I pissed in, appeared before me like gimmicks of a 3D movie. That filtered orangey smell of the California Health & Longevity Institute filled my nostrils so intently that I actually stumbled for breath. 

If you can’t see the picture i’m attempting to paint, just trust when I say that I was FREAKING OUT.

I’ve experienced it before, where the residual anxiety of my failed Biggest Loser incident will resurrect like an old ghost set out to haunt me. I’ve gotten pretty good at just ignoring it, but every now and then, it’ll show up just to remind me of my inadequacies and of the life altering opportunity I almost had.

Sitting in my car in front of the doctors office, I sincerely debated on not going in at all. 

But once again, I gazed down at the inscribed love letter my past self wrote on my wrist. 

BE BRAVE. 

So with all the strength I could muster, I got out of my car in walked into my doctors office. 

THUS BEGINNING THAT GREATEST DOCTORS VISIT I’VE EVER HAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!

NEVER

EVER

EVER 

have I heard a doctor tell me i’m doing everything right! That my weight loss is an inspiration to them and that they were sincerely proud of me!

but all of that happened today. (:

The after taste of my Biggest Loser rejection will always be bitter, but I can not allow the failures of my past to discourage my fight for a better future. I have done the impossible 4 times this week alone and I’ve never felt better about myself. 2011 sucked so hard! But it’s a new year and I’m doing exactly what I’m suppose to do! 

A teacher in my high school had a great quote that went something like: 

“If you always look in your rare view mirror you are going to crash you car. Keep your eyes ahead of you, focus on the task at hand and venture boldly into your future.”

I used to hate going to see my doctor, but today my doctor told me that she wants to see me every three months just to keep track of my weight loss, and for the first time in my entire life, I can not wait to walk back into that doctor’s office. 

#bebrave