Something happened yesterday. 

I was at work preparing for a presentation on video editing. I remember just being tired and truthfully a bit bored. I glanced up for a moment and caught my reflection in the dark of a sleeping iMac screen. I stared at it for awhile. “That couldn’t be me” I thought. In disbelief, I rubbed the crust and left over dreams away from my eyes and took a sip of ice cold water from a paper cup. I looked up once more only to discover that same face looking back at me. That’s when I realized that I wasn’t dreaming. I didn’t have anything blurring my vision. That was just me. I drew a smile and whispered to myself with excitement “Where did all the fat go?” 

Admittedly, I have been off my grind this past month. I’ve been skipping workouts, skipping meals, I even tried meat a few times (ugh meat, over it). Altogether my behavior this past month isn’t exactly hero worthy. Although You wouldn’t know that by the way my co-workers have been complimenting my weight loss. I usually brush it off because I don’t accept compliments well, but there in the blackness of that desktop screen I saw a face I’ve never seen.

I have a neck!

And I have cheek bones!

And ONE CHIN!

When did this happen?

It was the first time I realized a noticeable difference in myself without the aid of a before and after picture. I felt so narcissistic admiring my reflection that eventually I went back to work. 

That’s kinda something I’m struggling with. How can I enjoy the way I look without becoming vain? 

For the first time in my life I feel attractive. I should celebrate that, but I don’t want that to be what validates me either. I suppose I’ll just have to work on it and remember what was special about me when I was 340 pounds and no one else cared. I owe it to that person to remain humble during this transitional period.

It’s nice to like what I see in the mirror, but that’s not what makes me awesome. Knowing that it doesn’t make me awesome is what makes me awesome. So if I can keep that attitude up I feel like I’ll be ok. 

(1 Peter 5:6)

#stayhumble

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I almost got married once. I wasn’t like, engaged or anything, but I did have a ring.

I still have the ring. 

I started dating my ex-girlfriend when I was 17 years old. We dated for years. It had always been assumed by our families and our friends that we would eventually get married. All of my friends were getting married, or at least in the process of getting married. That could have been what turned me off from the idea. It seemed like every few months I was witnessing horny 21 year olds commit their lives to their high school sweethearts, and by doing so fulfilling the only dreams they ever had for themselves.  

I don’t say this to discredit marriage or the relationships of my friends, but for me, the whole idea that marriage is the ultimate goal never really made much sense. Even still, if marriage was the ultimate goal, I sure as hell wouldn’t want to get married why I was still young enough to be carded for R rated movies. 

What would be left for me?

It seemed to me that a lot of the people who rushed into marriage were quickly faced with the realization that they achieved their greatest dream before they even hit quarter life. They quickly fathom the daunting task of finding a whole new something to fill their entire lives with OR completely dedicate themselves to a spouse who is just as flawed as they are. 

Perhaps I was gifted by watching copious amounts of Behind The Music and E True Hollywood Story episodes to know what happens to child stars when they peak too early in life. I wanted my best years to be ahead of me. I wanted to achieve something greater than a marriage certificate. I never wanted to rush the marathon.

I did love my ex-girlfriend, but somewhere deep in the caverns of my heart I knew that something wasn’t right. We could have gotten married and it would have been fine, but i don’t want fine. I want… I want Spectacular! I knew I would never find that because I never learned to love myself. I stayed with my girlfriend for years because it was fun and easy and safe. Because no one ever told me they loved me before and despite all of my calls to adventure, I was terrified that If I ever left her, I would never find love again. 

“Just be brave” I whispered to myself. 

After my Biggest Loser rejection I knew that I had to work on myself. I had to fix myself from the inside out. After five and half years of dating my best friend, I finally told her that perhaps it would be better if we were just best friends. 

See the idea of loving myself hadn’t fully sprouted yet. I just knew that I was beginning a journey of self discovery. I had to do it alone. I was sick of using women as a crutch to balance my own insecurities. I had to find a way to stand on my own two feet. 

I’ve been single for almost a year now. Within that time I’ve blossomed into the man I’ve always wanted to be. I’ve been out on dates, I’ve had crushes and in spite of my new found independence I always kept one eye open for the girl who would eventually become my everything. It wasn’t until this week (and an eye opening conversation with josephineviolet) that I realized my story doesn’t need a love interest. 

I can be a hero on my very own.

Once you forget about the Kate Hudson movies, the Taylor Swift songs and all of the mediocre things in life we’ve sugarcoated to be profound, you’ll recognize a deep truth that for some reason our society has chosen not to emphasize.

Your mission is not to find someone else. Your mission is to find yourself. You may be gifted with romance, but the love you find in friendships, family, God and yourself is enough to sustain you and make you a complete human being. 

I was told all my life that finding the perfect person was the ultimate goal. Little did I know that it was all just a big red herring. 

#bebrave

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Guys, we need to talk. 

I’m having an issue and it seems kind of ridiculous, but i’m actually very worried about it. 

As of the last few weeks, I’VE HAD NO APPETITE. 

I’m worried because I already felt as if I wasn’t eating enough calories and now I KNOW that I’m not eating enough. It’s just hard because i’m not hungry… ever. 

I force down breakfast, lunch and dinner and a snack in between meals. Yet, if i’m being honest, I hardly ever eat more than 1400 calories. Lately, it’s been more like 1200 calories.

How awful is that?

And I’m super active And i’m still over 250 pounds And when I do eat, I’m not really into it. I’m kind of just faking it for the foods benefit. 

Why is this happening?

I might make a doctors appointment if things don’t get better soon. Although part of me does find it hilarious that this is actually a problem for me. 

Ironic… Don’t ya think?

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