Something happened yesterday. 

I was at work preparing for a presentation on video editing. I remember just being tired and truthfully a bit bored. I glanced up for a moment and caught my reflection in the dark of a sleeping iMac screen. I stared at it for awhile. “That couldn’t be me” I thought. In disbelief, I rubbed the crust and left over dreams away from my eyes and took a sip of ice cold water from a paper cup. I looked up once more only to discover that same face looking back at me. That’s when I realized that I wasn’t dreaming. I didn’t have anything blurring my vision. That was just me. I drew a smile and whispered to myself with excitement “Where did all the fat go?” 

Admittedly, I have been off my grind this past month. I’ve been skipping workouts, skipping meals, I even tried meat a few times (ugh meat, over it). Altogether my behavior this past month isn’t exactly hero worthy. Although You wouldn’t know that by the way my co-workers have been complimenting my weight loss. I usually brush it off because I don’t accept compliments well, but there in the blackness of that desktop screen I saw a face I’ve never seen.

I have a neck!

And I have cheek bones!

And ONE CHIN!

When did this happen?

It was the first time I realized a noticeable difference in myself without the aid of a before and after picture. I felt so narcissistic admiring my reflection that eventually I went back to work. 

That’s kinda something I’m struggling with. How can I enjoy the way I look without becoming vain? 

For the first time in my life I feel attractive. I should celebrate that, but I don’t want that to be what validates me either. I suppose I’ll just have to work on it and remember what was special about me when I was 340 pounds and no one else cared. I owe it to that person to remain humble during this transitional period.

It’s nice to like what I see in the mirror, but that’s not what makes me awesome. Knowing that it doesn’t make me awesome is what makes me awesome. So if I can keep that attitude up I feel like I’ll be ok. 

(1 Peter 5:6)

#stayhumble

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I haven’t been working out as much. It’s not that I’m discouraged or anything. Life just got busy all of a sudden. It seems I can’t find an extra 15 minutes to spend blogging or 30 minutes to spend running. I know I need to make the time. I plan to, I just have to finish all these miscellaneous responsibilities first. 

There’s been a lot of internal conflict lately. I feel like I’m regressing back to my old habits of allowing other people to treat me like crap. What happened to me? I was so confident a week ago. I so assured that I was this new strong person. Now I don’t even know what that feels like. When did I lose that?

I’m gonna find my way back. I know I can. This dream is the only thing in my life that I have control over. Maybe that’s why I’ve felt so helpless lately. Maybe that’s why I can’t make sense of anything. I’m not doing what I’m suppose to be doing. I’m not fulfilling my purpose. 

Life will always be hectic I guess, but if I’m being honest with myself, Its probably hectic because I’m not making time for myself. 

I need to start acting in a way that will make me proud. 

Ok so, I’ve been kind of a ghost on here the past few days. I don’t really know how to explain my absence. I suppose I should just start by acknowledging that I’ve been experiencing growing pains that would even make Kurt Cameron scream obscenities.

See, I’m a firm believer that this journey to overall health is just as internal as it is external. You have to fix yourself from the inside out. Which is why I don’t mind taking my focus off of calories for a week to focus on internal growth. I’d much rather deal with my issues than bury them. 

My dilemma began around the same time I publicly stated that I was no longer broken. I think the world heard me and thought of that grand declaration as some sort of challenge. I wrote this eloquent and profound blog about Learning to Love Myself. It was about how I didn’t need a love interest to make my story powerful. So what did life do to me? Well, it did what any showrunner would do who’s trying to increase the ratings, it presented me with a love interest. And I, with all my new found understanding and confidence thought I had the wherewithal to respond to this call to adventure. 

It was a trap! A sink hole! A grand illusion to remind me that I’m not nearly as strong as I think myself to be. Perhaps it was a well deserved ass kicking. I felt myself becoming prideful in ways which I despised. There’s nothing like getting the carpet pulled out from under you to remind you that you’re not invincible. 

The aftertaste of this particular disappointment has been ruining my health routine. My appetite is nonexistent, my workouts are laughable, and more than anything, I think I’ve been enjoying this sadness a bit too much. Part of me, the writer in me, enjoys any type of conflict because the highs and lows of love and disappointment are what give you the words to make stories come to life. However, the hero in me isn’t quite strong enough to complete his mission without being distracted by Sirens. 

I’ll find my way back to myself, I’m not worried about that. If anything, I’m just struggling between my two sides. I know that I’m meant to fulfill my personal legend. Yet, the color of infatuation is my kryptonite and I wanted so badly just to indulge in a rom-com instead of my usual coming of age epic. 

I’m not sure how long it’ll take for me to get out of this funk. It doesn’t really matter. I know that everything happens for a reason. I have faith that the author wrote a good end to my story. I have faith that I’ll make it to the third act eventually. It all comes down to patience. 

What I’m willing to wait for v.s. what’s actually worth waiting for. 

#bebrave

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I almost got married once. I wasn’t like, engaged or anything, but I did have a ring.

I still have the ring. 

I started dating my ex-girlfriend when I was 17 years old. We dated for years. It had always been assumed by our families and our friends that we would eventually get married. All of my friends were getting married, or at least in the process of getting married. That could have been what turned me off from the idea. It seemed like every few months I was witnessing horny 21 year olds commit their lives to their high school sweethearts, and by doing so fulfilling the only dreams they ever had for themselves.  

I don’t say this to discredit marriage or the relationships of my friends, but for me, the whole idea that marriage is the ultimate goal never really made much sense. Even still, if marriage was the ultimate goal, I sure as hell wouldn’t want to get married why I was still young enough to be carded for R rated movies. 

What would be left for me?

It seemed to me that a lot of the people who rushed into marriage were quickly faced with the realization that they achieved their greatest dream before they even hit quarter life. They quickly fathom the daunting task of finding a whole new something to fill their entire lives with OR completely dedicate themselves to a spouse who is just as flawed as they are. 

Perhaps I was gifted by watching copious amounts of Behind The Music and E True Hollywood Story episodes to know what happens to child stars when they peak too early in life. I wanted my best years to be ahead of me. I wanted to achieve something greater than a marriage certificate. I never wanted to rush the marathon.

I did love my ex-girlfriend, but somewhere deep in the caverns of my heart I knew that something wasn’t right. We could have gotten married and it would have been fine, but i don’t want fine. I want… I want Spectacular! I knew I would never find that because I never learned to love myself. I stayed with my girlfriend for years because it was fun and easy and safe. Because no one ever told me they loved me before and despite all of my calls to adventure, I was terrified that If I ever left her, I would never find love again. 

“Just be brave” I whispered to myself. 

After my Biggest Loser rejection I knew that I had to work on myself. I had to fix myself from the inside out. After five and half years of dating my best friend, I finally told her that perhaps it would be better if we were just best friends. 

See the idea of loving myself hadn’t fully sprouted yet. I just knew that I was beginning a journey of self discovery. I had to do it alone. I was sick of using women as a crutch to balance my own insecurities. I had to find a way to stand on my own two feet. 

I’ve been single for almost a year now. Within that time I’ve blossomed into the man I’ve always wanted to be. I’ve been out on dates, I’ve had crushes and in spite of my new found independence I always kept one eye open for the girl who would eventually become my everything. It wasn’t until this week (and an eye opening conversation with josephineviolet) that I realized my story doesn’t need a love interest. 

I can be a hero on my very own.

Once you forget about the Kate Hudson movies, the Taylor Swift songs and all of the mediocre things in life we’ve sugarcoated to be profound, you’ll recognize a deep truth that for some reason our society has chosen not to emphasize.

Your mission is not to find someone else. Your mission is to find yourself. You may be gifted with romance, but the love you find in friendships, family, God and yourself is enough to sustain you and make you a complete human being. 

I was told all my life that finding the perfect person was the ultimate goal. Little did I know that it was all just a big red herring. 

#bebrave

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Guys, we need to talk. 

I’m having an issue and it seems kind of ridiculous, but i’m actually very worried about it. 

As of the last few weeks, I’VE HAD NO APPETITE. 

I’m worried because I already felt as if I wasn’t eating enough calories and now I KNOW that I’m not eating enough. It’s just hard because i’m not hungry… ever. 

I force down breakfast, lunch and dinner and a snack in between meals. Yet, if i’m being honest, I hardly ever eat more than 1400 calories. Lately, it’s been more like 1200 calories.

How awful is that?

And I’m super active And i’m still over 250 pounds And when I do eat, I’m not really into it. I’m kind of just faking it for the foods benefit. 

Why is this happening?

I might make a doctors appointment if things don’t get better soon. Although part of me does find it hilarious that this is actually a problem for me. 

Ironic… Don’t ya think?

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The newest piece of literature that i’m devouring is “The Hero With A Thousand Faces” by Joseph Campbell. The book dissects what Campbell refers to as “The Monomyth” or “The Hero’s Journey.” Which he explains as:

“When A hero ventures forth from the world of common day into a region of supernatural wonder: fabulous forces are there encountered and a decisive victory is won: the hero comes back from this mysterious adventure with the power to bestow boons (gifts) on his fellow man.”

How does this correlate to a weight loss blog? Well, essentially, the Hero’s Journey is one we all take. It could be something supernatural like a mermaid wanting to be human or a group of toys breaking out of a daycare. But it doesn’t always have to be. Sometimes the journey can be a quest to lose weight, recover from addiction, learning to be single again or starting a new job. 

For the purpose of this blog, I will break down The Hero’s Journey in relation to my weight loss. What I’ve gathered is that by understanding the Hero’s journey, we can understand where we are in our own lives and gain insight as to what the future may hold. 

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THE CALL TO ADVENTURE: The hero starts off in a mundane situation of normality from which some information is received that acts as a call to head off into the unknown.

- My call to adventure (weight loss) began with The Biggest Loser. Last year, I made it as a casting finalist for season 12 of the show. My call to adventure was literally a phone call from a casting director telling me that they were flying me out to California. 

REFUSAL OF THE CALL: Often when the call is given, the future hero first refuses to heed it. This may be from a sense of duty or obligation, fear, insecurity, a sense of inadequacy, or any of a range of reasons that work to hold the person in his or her current circumstances.

- When I found out that I would be going to California, I was initially excited. Although, It didn’t take long for me to be consumed with self doubt. I became terrified. I was risking everything knowing there was a huge chance that none of it would work out. I don’t think i’ve ever felt fear like that before. Despite my insecurities, I went anyway, knowing it was worth the risk. 

The Crossing of the First Threshold: This is the point where the person actually crosses into the field of adventure, leaving the known limits of his or her world and venturing into an unknown and dangerous realm where the rules and limits are not known.

- Off I went, me and a suit case full of dreams, headed for what would eventually be known as my biggest disappointment. Thinking about it now, it seems like it was only a moment ago. I remember the strangest little things about that trip to California. What I remember most, is being told that I was going home. 

Belly of The Whale: The belly of the whale represents the final separation from the hero’s known world and self. By entering this stage, the person shows willingness to undergo a metamorphosis. The hero, instead of conquering or conciliating the power of the threshold, is swallowed into the unknown and would appear to have died. This popular motif gives emphasis to the lesson that the passage of the threshold is a form of self-annihilation.

- Basically, you have to die to begin your rebirth. When I got home from California, I  spent the first few months home engulfed in a mind numbing depression. It would have appeared that I was dead. It took a few months for me to recover and keep going in spite of my feelings of worthlessness. 

The Road of Trials: The road of trials is a series of tests, tasks, or ordeals that the person must undergo to begin the transformation. Often the person fails one or more of these tests, which often occur in threes.

- This is basically every time I step into a gym, every food temptation I’ve encountered, or every time I’ve allowed self doubt to kill my ambition. I still believe that I’m currently facing trials and most likely will for the rest of my life. 

The Meeting With the Goddess -This is the point when the person experiences a love that has the power and significance of the all-powerful, all encompassing, unconditional love that a fortunate infant may experience with his or her mother. This is a very important step in the process and is often represented by the person finding the other person that he or she loves most completely.

- I’m gonna skip the details on this one, but there was a girl. I did fall in love and it was a love unlike any love i’ve experienced before… so yeah, it was awesome.

Woman as Temptress - In this step, the hero faces those temptations, often of a physical or pleasurable nature, that may lead him or her to abandon or stray from his or her quest, which does not necessarily have to be represented by a woman.

- I’m gonna skip the details on this one, but there was a girl. I got heartbroken and my depression worsened unlike anything I’ve experienced before… so yeah, it was rough.

Apotheosis - When someone dies a physical death, or dies to the self to live in spirit, he or she moves beyond the pairs of opposites to a state of divine knowledge, love, compassion and bliss. A more mundane way of looking at this step is that it is a period of rest, peace and fulfillment before the hero begins the return.

- I feel that i’m currently on this phase now. I’ve learned from all my heartbreak and setbacks. I’ve somehow begun to master this new lifestyle and the habits that never came easy to me before. I don’t feel broken anymore. Life isn’t a struggle. It’s more like a playground. I have the confidence and the strength to build the life I want. I would definitely say that this is a period of rest, piece and fulfillment. 

The Ultimate Boon The ultimate boon is the achievement of the goal of the quest. It is what the person went on the journey to get. All the previous steps serve to prepare and purify the person for this step, since in many myths the boon is something transcendent like the elixir of life itself, or a plant that supplies immortality, or the holy grail.

- My ultimate boon is achieving my weight loss goal. It’s a little different because my weight loss goal isn’t a certain weight or shirt size, it’s just the feeling of being healthy and being happy with myself. It’s a very abstract goal. I don’t know if i’ll even recognize it when I achieve it. Perhaps I already have. 

The Crossing of the Return Threshold - The trick in returning is to retain the wisdom gained on the quest, to integrate that wisdom into a human life, and then maybe figure out how to share the wisdom with the rest of the world.

- I started my blog specifically for this reason. I’ve been blessed with a new insight to food, fitness and over all life. I feel obligated to share that with as many people as possible. I think that’s how my story comes full circle. I didn’t get on Biggest Loser, but I’ve still found a way to do it all on my own. I lost the weight on my time. I’m inspiring people on my own terms. I did it my way. And I feel there’s something to be respected about that. 

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What I find very interesting is that Campbell is able to use examples from dozens of popular myths to prove how all heroes go through this same outlined journey. Which leads me to believe that the book isn’t about patterns found in myths, but rather the patterns found in life. Sure, these were intended to be plot points for fictional stories. Yet, I’ve always believed that art is a reflection of life and life is a reflection of God. So perhaps it isn’t so crazy to think that we’ve all been wired to take this hero’s journey at some point in our lives. Some might refuse the Call To Adventure and others might dive right in, but it doesn’t change the fact that life will present opportunities for you to achieve greatness. You just have to decide how you want your story to end.  

For me, I’m glad I was brave enough to take the first step. And I look forward to Campbell’s very last stage…  

When Mastery leads to freedom from the fear of death, which in turn is the freedom to live. This is sometimes referred to as living in the moment, neither anticipating the future nor regretting the past.

How damn beautiful is that?

#bebrave

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I would say that for a majority of my life I convinced myself that I didn’t deserve a great woman. I knew in my heart that eventually I’d find a perfect soulmate and fall madly in love and experience all of the happiness that Boy Meets World promised me was attainable. I knew that love would happen eventually, I just never really thought I deserved it.

At well over 300 pounds, I couldn’t force myself to believe that any potential soulmate would ever see me as a likely counterpart. What’s funny is, I’ve been surrounded by wonderful women my entire life. Women who possess an elegance and beauty that is impossible to recreate with words.

It’s always been… intimidating.

And due to my insecurities and the on going notion that I’m somehow unworthy, I’ve allowed some of these women to treat me horribly. I’ve allowed them to take advantage of me in ways that I don’t even feel comfortable confessing now. 

HOW DOES A WOMAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF A MAN?

Not all women, but a lot of women have used me to validate their own self esteems. They toy with me. They wave romance in front of me like a piece of meat with the not-so secret agenda that I will spoon feed them poetry and four syllable exaggerations that make them feel pretty. They’ll tease me, entice me, just for the thrill of knowing they can. And every time I end up with a scar that reminds me how naive I am, that reminds me just how stupid I am to think that she might have actually liked me. 

I’ve allowed that to go on for far too long.

It’s not until now that I’m beginning to understand a great truth about myself:

I’M AWESOME.

I’m a good man. I treat women with respect and genuinely care about who they are. I’m one of the few men I know who has an end game that doesn’t include sex. I like connecting. I like finding out who girls are beneath the surface, exploring the parts that sustain them when all else fades away, the bits and pieces of their personality that they feel are too lame to share with the rest of the world. I represent a minority that prefers humor, intelligence and ambition over tits, ass and abs. I am the exception by not having a standard that’s perfection, but rather understanding and appreciating that every woman has a hand crafted story that’s made her exactly who she is suppose to be. 

I’m not a rebound, I’m a catch, and a damn good one.

I’m cute. I’m kind. I’m determined. I’m a fantastic kisser and despite the serious tone I’ve created on this blog I’m actually very funny in real life.

I promise you that this is not cockiness or some backhanded attempt at narcissism. I am simply recognizing my own strengths. There is nothing vain about confidence, especially considering I’ve lived most of my life under the guise that I was unworthy or that I was some isolated beast with nothing else to do but watch the rose wilt. 

I am better than that. 

I’m a good man and it’s time I start appreciating my own worth 

because sadly if i don’t, then no one else ever will.

#bebrave

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When I started my weight loss journey, I knew that most of my transformation would be internal. I knew, in order to succeed, I had to fix myself from the inside out.

Working out excessively without confronting internal demons never seemed very productive to me. 

Luckily, I have already graduated past most of my insecurity issues. I don’t eat my feelings anymore. I don’t use movies and television to escape from my problems. I would say with the exception of my slight messianic complex, I’ve been able to deal with most of the darker issues that have haunted me and have found a way to become emotionally stable. 

Now that I have graduated past most of those darker subjects, I now find myself in the position where I can take on electives. The one i’m focusing on now: Becoming A Gentleman. 

Why would anyone in this day and age burden themselves with the old fashion concepts of chivalry, integrity or manners? Why try so hard to perfect behavior that will most likely go unnoticed?

Well, when it comes down to it, I suppose I am just old fashioned. 

I am working intently on becoming kind and patient. Trying my hardest to treat others with value and respect. I’m committing myself to loving others just for the sake of putting love out into the universe. 

I feel myself evolving, maturing into the man I have always wanted to become. Suddenly, I prefer to cook, read books, and listen to jazz. I shave regularly, floss twice a day, and keep my finger nails clean. I find significance in the words “please” and “thank you.” 

Much to the dismay of the lost boy within me, I have grown up, seemingly over night.

The pastor at my church used to always say “Become the type of person that you would like to be with.” It was advice that I always took to heart. Yet, my current emotional evolution has little to do with becoming a suitable counter part, but more of a deep desire to reach the fullest potential of myself. 

I’ve been slowly checking off Maslow’s Characteristics of Self-Actualizers. I’m so close to reaching my full potential, and so damn thankful that I’ve matured to this stage of my life where my biggest concern is no longer repairing myself. 

There’s no need for that. 

I’m no longer broken. 

#bebrave

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I am so done with with feeling sorry for myself.

Feeling as though the pressure to be strong is more than I can take.

I’m so over this wave of self doubt and the voice in my head that tells me I am worthless. 

SO TODAY I WILL SHUT UP, GET OFF MY ASS, PUT ON MY CAPE AND DO WHAT GOD PUT ME ON THIS EARTH TO DO. PERIOD. 

For my purpose is bigger than myself and I refuse to let fear get the best of me.

No reserves. No Retreats. No Regrets.

#bebrave