Something happened yesterday. 

I was at work preparing for a presentation on video editing. I remember just being tired and truthfully a bit bored. I glanced up for a moment and caught my reflection in the dark of a sleeping iMac screen. I stared at it for awhile. “That couldn’t be me” I thought. In disbelief, I rubbed the crust and left over dreams away from my eyes and took a sip of ice cold water from a paper cup. I looked up once more only to discover that same face looking back at me. That’s when I realized that I wasn’t dreaming. I didn’t have anything blurring my vision. That was just me. I drew a smile and whispered to myself with excitement “Where did all the fat go?” 

Admittedly, I have been off my grind this past month. I’ve been skipping workouts, skipping meals, I even tried meat a few times (ugh meat, over it). Altogether my behavior this past month isn’t exactly hero worthy. Although You wouldn’t know that by the way my co-workers have been complimenting my weight loss. I usually brush it off because I don’t accept compliments well, but there in the blackness of that desktop screen I saw a face I’ve never seen.

I have a neck!

And I have cheek bones!

And ONE CHIN!

When did this happen?

It was the first time I realized a noticeable difference in myself without the aid of a before and after picture. I felt so narcissistic admiring my reflection that eventually I went back to work. 

That’s kinda something I’m struggling with. How can I enjoy the way I look without becoming vain? 

For the first time in my life I feel attractive. I should celebrate that, but I don’t want that to be what validates me either. I suppose I’ll just have to work on it and remember what was special about me when I was 340 pounds and no one else cared. I owe it to that person to remain humble during this transitional period.

It’s nice to like what I see in the mirror, but that’s not what makes me awesome. Knowing that it doesn’t make me awesome is what makes me awesome. So if I can keep that attitude up I feel like I’ll be ok. 

(1 Peter 5:6)

#stayhumble

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I was battling a pretty hardcore depression last fall. I think what made that depression so horrible was that I really didn’t know how to go about fighting it. 

For me it felt like when you’re playing a video game and you’re not sure what any of the buttons on the controller do. So you just start pushing whatever in hopes that randomly you’ll come across something that works.

I usually don’t last very long in situations like that. If a game is too complicated, if I can’t figure out how to beat it, I’ll get discouraged and abandon it all together. Which is probably why I don’t play videos games much. But this wasn’t a game, this was me waking up in the mourning and questioning if I should even get out of bed at all. Life was beating me and I had no idea how to fight back. 

It’s a lot of trial and error. You try dozens of different full proof tactics to help you climb out of your hole only to discover less than half actually work for you.

Clearly I’m not depressed anymore. Through out my journey I discovered tools and weapons that helped me fight off my sadness. Although lately I can feel it creeping back up again. Little hints like not being able to stay asleep, loss of appetite, drastic mood swings, are signals that something is definitely wrong. 

So I thought I would share my tactics with all of you, in hopes that something might work for you if you’re struggling with depression.

And also to remind myself of the tools I need to fix myself when things start to break. 

THINGS THAT DIDN’T HELP ME WITH MY DEPRESSION.

*Anger - You don’t gain anything from holding grudges, dwelling on mistakes or blaming others for your problems. The point isn’t to hold on to the things that upset you. The Point is to let it go. 

*Isolation - Feeling like no one cares and trapping yourself in your room will only make you feel worse. Go outside! surround yourself with beauty. let the world inspire you. 

*Stagnation - If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting the results you’ve always gotten. Change it up. Be brave enough to break the habits that break you. 

*Junk Food - Eating healthy plays a huge part in fighting depression. When you don’t care about what you eat, it shows you don’t care about yourself. Developing self worth comes from finding value not value meals. Healthy food will make your body perform better and increase your self-esteem 

*Alcohol - I shouldn’t have to explain this one right? 

——

THINGS THAT DID HELP ME WITH MY DEPRESSION.

*Writing - Writing helped me get out all of the thoughts that were keeping me awake at night. Really finding any creative outlet is probably the best advice I could give you. Being able to make art out of your sadness gives your depression purpose, thus giving your life purpose.

I guess an easy way to explain it is with this Whitman quote 

“I loved a certain person ardently, and my love was not return’d; Yet out of that, I have written these songs.” 

Having something good come out of something bad makes the struggle worth it and helps you move on.

*Music - Music is the quickest way to change my mood. It can be cathartic to throw on Dashboard Confessional, cry in your car, and sing of all the emotions you could never find the words to express. But enjoying your sadness too much will only worsen your mood. Play something happy! Play something fun! I know when i’m at my worst that a good Disney or Motown song can kick me right out of my funk and make me forget all of the reasons why I was so upset. Music is powerful! Use it to your advantage. 

*Friends - I’m not talking about some random placeholder that likes your Facebook photos and recaps SNL episodes with you. I’m mean a REAL friend that you can bare your soul to. A friend that you keep no secrets from. Someone who will be there for you day and night because they genuinely care about you. God puts people like that in your life for a reason. If you’re lucky enough to have a real friend, let them help you with your recovery. We aren’t meant to fight these battles alone. 

*Diet & Exercise - ”You’re always one workout away from being in a good mood.” That’s such a true statement. Making yourself stronger, reaching weight loss goals, liking the way you look, all of that reminds you that you’re not worthless, that you’re not hopeless. You have the strength to overcome any obstacle. What i’ve found is that the strides you make to improve your physicality will directly reflect your self worth.

—-

These are my tools.

This is what I use to fix me when I’m broken.

Hopefully some of this will be beneficial to you guys as well. 

#bebrave

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I almost got married once. I wasn’t like, engaged or anything, but I did have a ring.

I still have the ring. 

I started dating my ex-girlfriend when I was 17 years old. We dated for years. It had always been assumed by our families and our friends that we would eventually get married. All of my friends were getting married, or at least in the process of getting married. That could have been what turned me off from the idea. It seemed like every few months I was witnessing horny 21 year olds commit their lives to their high school sweethearts, and by doing so fulfilling the only dreams they ever had for themselves.  

I don’t say this to discredit marriage or the relationships of my friends, but for me, the whole idea that marriage is the ultimate goal never really made much sense. Even still, if marriage was the ultimate goal, I sure as hell wouldn’t want to get married why I was still young enough to be carded for R rated movies. 

What would be left for me?

It seemed to me that a lot of the people who rushed into marriage were quickly faced with the realization that they achieved their greatest dream before they even hit quarter life. They quickly fathom the daunting task of finding a whole new something to fill their entire lives with OR completely dedicate themselves to a spouse who is just as flawed as they are. 

Perhaps I was gifted by watching copious amounts of Behind The Music and E True Hollywood Story episodes to know what happens to child stars when they peak too early in life. I wanted my best years to be ahead of me. I wanted to achieve something greater than a marriage certificate. I never wanted to rush the marathon.

I did love my ex-girlfriend, but somewhere deep in the caverns of my heart I knew that something wasn’t right. We could have gotten married and it would have been fine, but i don’t want fine. I want… I want Spectacular! I knew I would never find that because I never learned to love myself. I stayed with my girlfriend for years because it was fun and easy and safe. Because no one ever told me they loved me before and despite all of my calls to adventure, I was terrified that If I ever left her, I would never find love again. 

“Just be brave” I whispered to myself. 

After my Biggest Loser rejection I knew that I had to work on myself. I had to fix myself from the inside out. After five and half years of dating my best friend, I finally told her that perhaps it would be better if we were just best friends. 

See the idea of loving myself hadn’t fully sprouted yet. I just knew that I was beginning a journey of self discovery. I had to do it alone. I was sick of using women as a crutch to balance my own insecurities. I had to find a way to stand on my own two feet. 

I’ve been single for almost a year now. Within that time I’ve blossomed into the man I’ve always wanted to be. I’ve been out on dates, I’ve had crushes and in spite of my new found independence I always kept one eye open for the girl who would eventually become my everything. It wasn’t until this week (and an eye opening conversation with josephineviolet) that I realized my story doesn’t need a love interest. 

I can be a hero on my very own.

Once you forget about the Kate Hudson movies, the Taylor Swift songs and all of the mediocre things in life we’ve sugarcoated to be profound, you’ll recognize a deep truth that for some reason our society has chosen not to emphasize.

Your mission is not to find someone else. Your mission is to find yourself. You may be gifted with romance, but the love you find in friendships, family, God and yourself is enough to sustain you and make you a complete human being. 

I was told all my life that finding the perfect person was the ultimate goal. Little did I know that it was all just a big red herring. 

#bebrave

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The worst thing about being obese is that even though I’m losing weight, I still look fat. 

Yes, I’ve lost over 60 pounds, but that still leaves me with a BMI that’s in the stratosphere! 

I just want to like the way I look. 

I know that’s an insanely generic, hypersensitive thing for an adult male to say, but its true. 

All of this brooding insecurity really stems from a highly unflattering candid that was taken of me the other day at work. I just couldn’t believe I was still that big. It just feels like this is a race that will never be finished. 

I look at that chubby kid in the photo and I don’t even recognize myself. My fat is a curse. My fat is a costume. Whenever someone looks at me, they don’t see ME, they see a poor interpetation of me. A grand disguise woven in lard. 

I AM MORE THAN THAT. 

Underneath my ill fitting costume is someone who is amazing! I swear it! 

It just frustrates the hell out of me because that kid has never been seen by anyone other than myself.

i think i’ve been in love twice in my life, I think, and in both of those circumstances my muses were not traditional bombshells. Don’t get me wrong, they were beautiful, but in no means perfect. But I was never looking for perfect, especially physical perfection. I understood that there was something more important than how thin a girls waste is or how big her tits are. I didn’t care about that. What I lusted after was someone who would challenge me. Someone who was passionate about life! Someone who I felt at home with. 

With my loves, I always understood that I had to use a little imagination when I looked at them. I couldn’t define them by external flaws. I had to understand the core of who they were to see who was hidden underneath the individual costumes that they wore. 

Sadly, I’m slowly realizing that my ability to judge a book by its story is a unique and unappreciated skill. And if I’m the only person judging others based on the content of their character, how the hell can I expect someone without this unusual gift to see the core of who I am? 

I’m use to being judged. I get judged everyday. I’m judged by my race, by my gender, by my income… those judgements don’t bother me. The only judgements that truly ruin me are the stigmas surrounding my fat, my inescapable costume, because those are the judgments that kill my spirit. 

I’ve got so far to go with my weight loss. I can’t even see the finish line from where I am. I can only hope that when I finally arrive at my destination, the world will finally see me for who I really am. 

Until then, I just ask that you look at me with a little bit of imagination. 

That if you Judge me, judge me not by my cover, but by my story. 

#bebrave