(I’ve been procrastinating writing this one… it wasn’t easy)

CALIFORNIA:

The week before I left for California was a tough one. Never before have I felt such paralyzing loneliness.

For The Biggest Loser, there is a chance that you’ll either make the show or that they will send you home in a week, so you have to plan like your leaving home for 5 to 6 months. One of my biggest challenges was clearing my schedule from May through October. I dropped out of all my summer classes (my last semester mind you!) and I had to leave behind each and every person who matter to me without even telling them where I was going. 

Biggest Loser took confidentiality pretty seriously. So I was going through maybe the most stressful situation in my entire life without any one to talk to about it. 

That’s really when the loneliness crept in.

At night, I found myself cruising around vacant streets, taking good hard looks of everything familiar with the hopes that I wouldn’t forget it. I found myself going to shady bars with shady people, just so I wouldn’t be alone.

There was so much crap going on in my head that I just needed a distraction from it all.

Needless to say, I wasn’t really myself that last week. 

A left Orlando International Airport on a Friday morning. I thought that I would be filled with so much excitement that the loneliness i was experiencing wouldn’t follow me to California …but of course it did.

My plane ride was long and boring. It only gave me more time to think. One of the things I thought about was an email I got from the casting director saying that I was not allowed to talk to the other finalist once arriving in Los Angeles. Apparently this is to keep growing relationships fresh for when the cameras are rolling. I didn’t think too much about it at first. I didn’t realize this meant I had to be almost completely silent for a week straight.

I got off the plane at LAX and met someone from casting in a distant parking lot next to a big van that had “Biggest Loser P-6″ signs on all the windows. I was the second person in my van. There would eventually be five people in my group total and that group was to be the only group of finalist I would have interactions with that week.

My group was made up of an elderly woman, a middle age man, a middle aged woman, and a young girl with a cute hat. I didn’t say a word to any of them. I only offered polite smiles and cool guy head nods.

It’s sounds exaggerated, but I feel like I didn’t talk that entire week. Sure I would say stuff to people from casting or doctors or TV producers, but my appointments usually took up a very small part of my day. The rest of my day was spent watching NETFLIX in my Four Seasons hotel room.

Even around the other people in my group, who would occasionally talk regardless of any rules, I would usually stay pretty silent. And within that silence, the loneliness I felt at home only intensified. 

It got so bad that I thought maybe I’d be happy if I didn’t make the show. Which wasn’t true! I did want to make the show! More than anything! The pressure was just getting too much for me. I couldn’t take it anymore!

For 8 days I sat in a hotel room just waiting. 

I was losing my mind. 

And then it happened… Two people from casting politely knocked on my door and informed me that I did not make the show.

It’s funny… I remember the most ridiculous details of that week. I remember the D-List celebrities I saw at random restaurants. I remember watching House Hunters in the waiting room of the doctors office. I remember the filtered orangey smell of my hotel room. But from that moment on, from the moment I saw the faces of those girls from casting walk in my hotel room, I knew that it was all over… and everything else is a total blank. 

It felt like someone told me my best friend died. 

It just… It didn’t feel real.

It wasn’t until after I got home that it truly set in, that my mind was able to fathom that my once in a lifetime opportunity had passed me by. Biggest Loser was the only way I knew how to do this. Without Bob Harpers help, I would surely spend the rest of my life as a sad obese man.

UNLESS…

unless I could find a way to loose it all on my own. 

Could I find a way to do that? Was there really a way?

Was it possible that MAYBE I didn’t need Biggest Loser after all?

Perhaps all I really needed was just a push in the right direction….

#bebrave 

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The worst thing about being obese is that even though I’m losing weight, I still look fat. 

Yes, I’ve lost over 60 pounds, but that still leaves me with a BMI that’s in the stratosphere! 

I just want to like the way I look. 

I know that’s an insanely generic, hypersensitive thing for an adult male to say, but its true. 

All of this brooding insecurity really stems from a highly unflattering candid that was taken of me the other day at work. I just couldn’t believe I was still that big. It just feels like this is a race that will never be finished. 

I look at that chubby kid in the photo and I don’t even recognize myself. My fat is a curse. My fat is a costume. Whenever someone looks at me, they don’t see ME, they see a poor interpetation of me. A grand disguise woven in lard. 

I AM MORE THAN THAT. 

Underneath my ill fitting costume is someone who is amazing! I swear it! 

It just frustrates the hell out of me because that kid has never been seen by anyone other than myself.

i think i’ve been in love twice in my life, I think, and in both of those circumstances my muses were not traditional bombshells. Don’t get me wrong, they were beautiful, but in no means perfect. But I was never looking for perfect, especially physical perfection. I understood that there was something more important than how thin a girls waste is or how big her tits are. I didn’t care about that. What I lusted after was someone who would challenge me. Someone who was passionate about life! Someone who I felt at home with. 

With my loves, I always understood that I had to use a little imagination when I looked at them. I couldn’t define them by external flaws. I had to understand the core of who they were to see who was hidden underneath the individual costumes that they wore. 

Sadly, I’m slowly realizing that my ability to judge a book by its story is a unique and unappreciated skill. And if I’m the only person judging others based on the content of their character, how the hell can I expect someone without this unusual gift to see the core of who I am? 

I’m use to being judged. I get judged everyday. I’m judged by my race, by my gender, by my income… those judgements don’t bother me. The only judgements that truly ruin me are the stigmas surrounding my fat, my inescapable costume, because those are the judgments that kill my spirit. 

I’ve got so far to go with my weight loss. I can’t even see the finish line from where I am. I can only hope that when I finally arrive at my destination, the world will finally see me for who I really am. 

Until then, I just ask that you look at me with a little bit of imagination. 

That if you Judge me, judge me not by my cover, but by my story. 

#bebrave

I ran my fastest mile today! 13 minutes! Which I know isn’t that impressive, but what ev’s, I worked my ass off for that 13 minutes! I pushed myself harder than I ever have and it was totally worth it. I guess you could say I have a love/hate relationship with running. It’s my least favorite exercise but the one I’m always the most proud of.

So I came up with some quick RUNNING TIPS to help you if you’re trying to improve your running experience. I mean, i’m no professional, but i’ve been able to cut my mile time in half just from doing this stuff. 

1. EAT A GOOD MEAL -

My best runs have always been when I’ve eaten a healthy meal about 2 hours before hand. My body has time to digest the food and i’m filled with energy by the time I get to the treadmill.

Eating 10 minutes before I run does nothing for me! Even worst, not eating before running obliterates me! When I don’t eat, my mile times are pathetic! Without eating, I don’t have the energy to go 100%.

Food can make or break your run!

I mean, you wouldn’t go on a road trip without first filling your car up with gas, right? The same goes for your body.

Eat something! Eat well! and your running will drastically improve!

2. CARDIO FIRST -

I try to do 60% cardio and 40% strength training when I workout. I think that’s a pretty good balance for weight loss. 

My routine is always been to do my runs before my weights. Whenever I’ve done strength training first, it never ends well. My body will ache and beg me not to go hardcore on the treadmill. Honestly, who wants to start a run feeling sore?

My best workouts always come when I run first. It gets my heart pumping and sends a signal to my body that it’s time to get to work! Plus, it feels awesome to sit on a bench after running and just do some bicep curls. 

3. WEAR FITTED CLOTHES -

This one seems like a no brainier, but i’ve fallen victim to the comfy sweat pants trap one too many times! Wear clothes that fits! Don’t be the person pulling up their shorts during a run. Not only is it annoying as hell, but it takes your focus off of your workout.

Also, wearing clothes thats too tight can be really uncomfortable. You need to be able to breathe when you run! That’s kind of important. So dress comfortably and I promise it’ll improve your running. 

4. WORKOUT BUDDIES! -

The next time you go to the gym, take a friend with you! Make a friendly bet that the loser has to buy smoothies and then race your heart out! You’ll be surprised how a little friendly competition can improve your workout. 

5. GO HARD, BUT NOT THAT HARD - I can always tell when I push my body too hard. I feel abnormally weak afterwards and sometimes I’ll even get sick. 

Push yourself, go hard, but don’t go so hard that you make yourself sick! Sure you finished that mile faster than you ever have, but it’s not worth it if you’re too sick to finish you’re workout. 

6. SET THE RIGHT EXPECTATIONS - You probably won’t cut your mile time in half over night. You probably won’t be able to keep up with someone who’s in much better shape than you. Set the right expectations for yourself. Don’t go into the gym and say “I’m gonna run 18 miles in an hour today” because you’ll only bum yourself out if you don’t reach that goal. 

Make goals for yourself, but make them realistic. I swear, nothing feels better than hitting a goal you’ve made for yourself. Don’t make that fantastic feeling unattainable! 

7. MAKE A WORKOUT PLAYLIST -

This is probably THE MOST IMPORTANT RUNNING TIP I could give you!

I’m super duper cereal you guys, a strong playlist is an absolute must!

Music has the power to push you more than anything else! I know when I run, I need to have a strong beat blaring in my ears to keep my mind off of how hard my heart is pounding!!

I don’t care if you’re feeling tired or ugly or heartbroken, everyone has that one song that takes them to another place. A song that makes you forget you’re even working out. A song thats your anthem. 

Make a playlist full of anthem songs and you’ll notice the music pushing you through your miles!

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So those are just some tips that have helped me improve my running. Hopefully some of you can benefit from these tips as well. 

Also, If you guys have any advice for me, please feel free to comment! I still think of myself as fitness newbie and I need all the help I can get!

#bebrave 

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I have been doing SO GOOD the past few weeks.

So why do I still get discouraged when I look at myself?

I’m doing things I never thought possible, inspiring people to chase their dreams and working towards this goal i’ve had since I was 5 years old… but I still find myself feeling hopeless.

What it all boils down to, is that insatiable dream killing notion that I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Those words appear like a billboard behind my treadmill and as much as I try to out run them I can always feel them catching up to me.

It’s poison.

Whenever I’m at an all time high, the slightest reminder of my shortcomings can trip me up and have me second guessing myself.

Have I lost enough weight?

Am I finally normal?

How long will it be until someone sees the kid behind the fat? 

I feel like I’m getting there, slowly but surely. Right now I am stuck in this dreadful second act trying my hardest to get to my happy ending.

And that is why I am at the gym everyday. because the harder I work, the faster I get towards my goals. 

No matter how badly this sucks sometimes, no matter how loud the voices of doubt become, I am not giving up.

I will finish this.

I’m gonna prove everyone wrong

& for once, someone will see the kid behind the fat.

I would love to say that my morning workout was stellar! That it was the best work out i’ve ever had and that despite all obstacles I was able to move mountains…

But today wasn’t one of those days. 

FIRST HURDLE:

I forgot to bring water!

It’s a rookie mistake, I know! And not having water on the treadmill made the process of running unbearable! My mouth was beyond dry & It kind of tasted like ass after a while. I think not having water was the sole thing that made me leave the gym after only 30mins!

SECOND HURDLE: 

MY FEET WERE KILLING ME!

I’ve been two-a-days in the gym and because of that I have blisters that you wouldn’t believe! It makes it so hard to keep running when my feet hurt so bad! I read that there’s gels that I can put on my feet that will help with that. Defiantly something I need to look in to!

THIRD HURDLE:

Honestly, I just had so much on my mind that it was hard to break through those mental walls. My best workouts come when I completely clear my mind and let my iPod push me to my limits. Today, i could not swat away those annoying feelings of discouragement. 

So after all of that, I decided to cut my work out short and go home. 

BUT THEN A funny thing happened!

As I was walking off the treadmill, shrouded in defeat, I pulled my iPod nano and stopped the bumping #bestrong playlist that shouted from my sweat covered headphones. As I paused the music, NIKE+ informs me that I DID MY FASTEST MILE!

I couldn’t believe it! I still can’t! If only because I thought I did so poorly! In actuality, it turned out to be a landmark moment for me!

So was this workout awesome? Not really. Am I proud of it? YES!

Even though I didn’t meet the expectations I had for myself, I still did something to work towards my goal. 

So on those days when you do a workout your not too proud of, remember, at least your moving! Just give it your all! Be proud of your work out! Own it! 

Sincere effort never goes to waste.